The Campaign Speech that Brandon Should Have Given

As everyone knows, Brandon never did campaign for president in 2020. Hiding behind the fraudulent façade of covid hysteria, the Demo-Bolshevik party bigwigs saw to it that he was hermetically sealed up in one of his mansions.  His only public appearances were choreographed speeches in parking lots attended by a few dozen paid Demo-Bolshevik party hacks who were instructed to wear masks, remain in their cars, and honk their horns after every sentence.  This was their answer to Trump’s gigantic rallies attended by 70,000 or more everywhere he went.  The fix was in, as senile Brandon himself admitted publicly in a speech in which he referred to unprecedented vote fraud that was in the works, so why bother?

Imagine now if someone had slipped truth serum into one of Brandon’s beloved ice cream cones just before one of his two or three campaign speeches.  What do you imagine he would have said?  Here’s my two cents:

“My fellow Americans, If I am elected president we will do everything we can to strangle the energy industries to death.  Energy is the lifeblood of American capitalism and therefore must be eradicated if we are to Build Back Better with a totalitarian, pervasively governmentally-controlled, regimented, and planned socialist society.  We will shut down as many oil and gas pipelines as possible to begin with.  Our goal is to drive energy prices through the roof to get you out of your cars and into government-run buses and trains.  Or better yet, on bicycles (like my friend, Howdy Doody look-alike Pete Buttigieg) or on foot.  Our ultimate goal is to ban gas-powered cars first, and then all cars, even the electric ones.  It takes a lot of planet-destroying fossil fuels to electrify those electric cars, and a lot of earth-plundering lithium mining to manufacture those batteries.  All bad for Mother Earth, and should therefore be abolished once and for all.

We will ban gas stoves and the use of natural gas for heat.  So buy a sweater before they’re all sold out.

We will no longer enforce immigration laws in order to import tens of millions of third world peasants frantic to be placed on American welfare for eternity.  I like to call these people “undocumented Democrats”!  This, along with our mastery of vote fraud, will guarantee that we will never again face any real political opposition to our totalitarian socialist agenda.  Yes, criminals and even terrorists will walk across the border but hey, as Joe Stalin once reportedly said, you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet.

We will continue our policy of defunding police and letting thousands upon thousands of convicted felons out of prison and into your communities.  Cash bail will be ended once and for all.  Yes, there will be more crimes in YOUR neighborhoods (but not mine).  This is another price that YOU must pay, my fellow Americans (well, most of you anyway), because, as we “liberals” have been saying for the past sixty years, criminals are not the cause of crime, you are, with your white privilege, white supremacy, and worst of all, your capitalist economy.  Criminals should be paid reparations for this, not punished for murder, rape, and other crimes that YOU caused them to commit.  Call it Karl Marx’s revenge.

We will encourage and help to finance our friends in the “Green” movement to sabotage American food production, from fertilizer to chicken farms, to meat production.  Cow farting must be stopped if we are ever to make progress against global warming and you know what that means:  No More Red Meat For You!  All this farming is harmful to Mother Earth, and as you should know by now, we don’t really give a damn about you and your deplorable, snot-nosed offspring.  To paraphrase James Carville, it’s the planet, Stupid!

The nuclear family is the biggest roadblock that we face, for we will never be able to fully brainwash America’s children as long as families can educate and influence their children.  We must put an end to parental involvement in public schools, and I intend to brand parents who question our public school priorities as domestic terrorists and have the FBI investigate and prosecute them.  Then we will move on to the terrorist threat of home schooling.

We will destroy client-lawyer privilege when it suits our political ambitions.  We will start with all of the lawyers and advisors to my chief political rival, Donald Trump.  We realize that once we do this, then lawyer-client privilege will be destroyed for everyone else as well, but that’s another price that you should be willing to pay in order of us to achieve totalitarian political power.  We are, after all, the most morally superior beings in world history.

We will do everything we can to finally achieve the neocon/military-industrial complex dream of World War with Russia.  My family has profited with tens of millions of dollars from business deals with the corrupt, criminal oligarchs in Ukraine.  If Russia ever responds militarily to Ukraine’s years-long bombardment of Russian-language speaking parts of Eastern Ukraine and the mass murder of the Russians living there, we will respond by giving our sugar daddy friends in Kiev hundreds of billions of dollars in “aid.”   The threat of nuclear war is just something you will have to tolerate.  The exposure of our family’s massive, criminal enterprise based in Ukraine (and China) must not be exposed and that is far more important than any nuclear war.

Defending America with America’s military is old school.  The warrior culture is plagued by toxic masculinity and must be destroyed.  In my administration the primary objective of our military will be to provide employment and income for homosexuals, transexuals, transgendered, the non-binary in general, and other sex-themed categories of mascots of our party so that we can put our virtue on display for all the world to see. This will also be the primary goal of higher education in America in my administration.  We call it Diversity, Inclusion, and Equity (DIE).

Martin Luther King, Jr. was wrong when he said it would be good to judge people by the content of their character and not the color of their skin.  Dead wrong.  My administration will put an end to the idea of merit in hiring in the federal government, and will use all the levers of political power to force private companies, universities, and other institutions to do the same and hire only by skin color and sexual preference, the preference being given to anyone but white, heterosexual men.  This is how we will create national unity and finally achieve Barack Obama’s post-racial society.

My trusted economic advisors have informed me that there is such a thing as a free lunch after all.  They call it “modern monetary theory.”  In short, this means that government can spend unlimited amounts financed by the mere creation of “money” out of thin air by the Federal Reserve Board.  It’s really neat – kind of like legalized counterfeiting.  If it creates price inflation or boom-and-bust cycles, we will just lie about it and blame greedy capitalists.  We can always rely on the media to endlessly repeat our lies. Ignore those pundits on the internet who call modern monetary theory “Zimbabwean monetary theory.”

In case all that money printing by the Fed is not quite sufficient to create our totalitarian socialist society, I intend to hire about 90,000 new IRS agents for starters – and arm them — in order to extract every last penny of your income that we think that we, and not you, deserve to spend.  After all, that is the first principle of income taxation:  All income is nationalized; it belongs to us (just like your children).  You are only allowed to keep whatever WE decide you may keep by setting the tax rates.

Franklin Roosevelt once said that we needed to destroy capitalism in order to save it.  Generations of court historians have repeated this truth in hundreds of books celebrating our hero, FDR.   I will one-up good ole FDR by saying that we must destroy America – all of it – in order to save and reset and rebuild it.  I know what you’re thinking – Even the Soviet were never so extreme in their government planning.  In my opinion, that was their shortcoming.  They were not extreme enough.

Well, that’s about it for now.  Time for my 28-hour nap.  God bless Ukraine.”

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