Letter to the President

I often get mails from strangers asking me for donations to a political party. This one came today. I was wondering what you folks think of this?

Dear Mike,

I am standing here having a cigarette. I do my best thinking when I’m having a smoke.

I take a drag and the more I think about it, the more disgusted I get. I’m pissed off. “Disgusted and pissed off at what?” you say?

I am so sickened and disillusioned at the US governments limp -wrist response to the Soviet Union’s unprovoked attack on the poor people of Ukraine.

What have the Ukrainians ever done to us?

I cheer for Elinsky (“Z” has been banned) as “Man of the Year” for standing up to the communist onslaught brought on by the evil Soviet Union. They are Devil’s spawn!

Every man, woman, child (and their dog) in the USA should be lined up at US military recruitment centers to join in the fight. Hooray for the USA! Hooray for the Land of the Free!

We are going to wipe the floor with them Ruskies. You’ll see! It was said long ago, and it still applies today: “Better Dead than Red.”

Alas, I am deeply saddened at the US government reaction to this evil and Satanic war being waged upon the Ukrainians. What were they doing wrong? Nothing! Not a damn thing, I tell you! As far as I can see, they were just standing there minding their own business and having a smoke!

Just like us, the freest people of the Land of the Free!

Go take your bear home, Babushka!

Oh, you think that is a joke? No siree! What were we doing when those dirty Japs attacked us at Pearl Harbor? Nothing. Just minding our own business and having a few smokes.

How about Vietnam? Ha! Never heard of the Gulf of Tonkin? We were savagely attacked by the North Vietnamese and nearly one dozen proud US Naval ships, and hundreds of brave US sailors are now down in Davy Jones’ locker at the bottom of the ocean. The can’t even have a smoke there! And for what? We had to go there and open a can of ass-whoopin’ on them!

Afghanistan and Iraq? We didn’t do nothing! We were just minding our own business and paying rent and having a few cocktails and a smoke.

Damn! That Saddam and his nooks!

Syria? Libya? The list goes on and on. But I don’t need to repeat this to you, dear readers, you learned all this stuff in school. Where everyone knows that “Smoking ain’t allowed in school!”

Now, just today, I heard that the US president has announced we are sending 31 tanks to the Ukraine. Are you kidding me? Chump change! We should send them every piece of killer equipment we have to fight the evil Communists and take back their (Ukrainians) freedom and restore their country!

What is this nonsense? Thirty-one M1-A1 Abrams tanks? F-16 Fighter Jets? Are you kidding me?

I say we are either in or we are out. It’s time to put our foot down hard on this nonsense, now!

There is one piece of equipment that we can just lend to the Ukrainians that will put a stop to this terrible war of Soviet aggression immediately. I say we send them our best aircraft carrier. The mighty USS Gerald Ford! Just like the mighty Japanese battleship, the Yamato, that ground itself at Okinawa*, we should send the king of carriers to ground itself at Odesa and have its last stand guns blazing!

Just look at this beast!

The U.S. Navy’s new aircraft carrier is the most advanced in the world, carrying more aircraft and weapons than ever before. The USS Gerald R. Ford is $13 billion (“cost increases beyond the current $12.9 billion cost-cap appear likely”) futuristic ship complete with a gigantic flight deck and a new electromagnetic system to launch aircraft. The state-of-the-art tech and operational systems mean aircraft will be able to take off faster to get to the fight quicker. At 1,100 feet, the new Ford carrier is about the size of three football fields. The Navy has ordered three of these Ford-class carriers – combined price tag approximately $42 billion!

And the beauty of this plan is the carrier would NOT have to be delivered! It can just go there by itself! Saves a ton of money on shipping costs!

So, we still have two left. What’s the problem?

It could be cruising around the Black Sea smash into the shore at Odesa, and chase all those commies and it could carry a thousand tanks and the planes can fly anywhere to target the enemy and start fires and blow sh*t up!

It’s time we, as the freest country in the world, stand tall and show that evil Putin dude, “You don’t mess around with the United States!”

So, this is what I am all about these days. Won’t you join me, and send a letter to the president, in the fight to send this mighty machine and squish the Soviet army like a bug!

We and they (the Ukrainians) deserve the best!

Now, excuse me, I gotta have another cigarette.

* – The Yamato was sank before it reached Okinawa – Editor.

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